Needs which I can buy with $30

I straightened up browsing history of my Amazon account.  

I recalled what I was thinking to buy while checking those stuff. Those were towels made in Japan, small scythe for pulling out weeds in my garden, shampoos and conditioners, detergents, ink cartridge, liquid for playing with soap bubble, sunscreen and many of books mainly written by Ursula K. Le Guin.

I sometime think, want to be rich like the people who goes to space with their financial power. But probably I don't need such the extraordinary stuff according to the browsing history. All the stuff I want to buy is less than $30 and those are enough for filling my needs.  

the Beauty of Immature

It's middle of Autumn here in Japan. The extremely heat during Summer was gone finally. In line with the changing, my physical and mental condition is getting better day by day.

In the calm day of Autumn, I knew I'm not the same who I was in the past. I can enjoy every incidents I have. For example, if someone has opposite opinion with mine, I think it's interesting. If someone gets too emotional, I stay with keeping calm. I could not do such the stable behavior one year ago. I might be the person who have a dignified bearing. 

When I knew this new condition, I've missed myself of the past. I miss those negative side of mine, such as, weakness, restless, confusion, easy to shock everything...On one hand these are very annoying feelings. One the other hand, there is the beauty of immature in those feelings. I slightly want to take back it but probably, it's never happened again. 

Intention for benefit of the team

The story is continued from the topic I posted yesterday.

I didn't try to control the team while the meeting at the last night. I could keep calm in the middle of the discussion. As the result, we could found some good conclusions and got the new motivation to move on to the next step. 

Before starting the meeting, I intended that we would reach agreements for some subjects at the end. So, rather than saying my opinion, I payed attention to adjust various opinions which were given from others. In other words, I threw my ego away temporarily. Then, I don't know why, but the discussion was proceeded forward smoothly. I believe my intention was worked somewhat, though it might be just a coincidence.

Just showing options

I participated the meeting. The meeting was overrun of 15 minutes and nothing was decided. I worried if we can make it in our schedule. I have felt like controlling others in this kind of situation by giving tons of directions from me.

But I've tried not to do that. I know the team would not work well, if I control someone with my directions. I had failed many times in this way. The important point for going the project smoothly is motivation from each people, is not strong directions from others. I know sometime directions form someone tired people who are given them. 

The only thing I can do in this situation is just showing the options as my opinion. When I say my opinion at the meeting, I need to make sure it for myself, "just showing options". Otherwise, I start to control the team with my words. It's my egoism and nobody wouldn't be happy by them. I will have the meeting again at this night. Well, let's see how it goes on. 

Self-Love is the origin of the love for others

When I was reading a book on childcare, I found the line as following: The experiences in love at the young age is not the only the love for someone. It's the love for oneself. 

I understood what it's saying. At first, people know how to fulfill their desire by loving someone. After then, people start to know the importance of the unconditional love, I think.

I recalled how I was at the young age. I thought that to love someone is untouchable and trashy conduct by my family background. That means I miss the opportunities to love myself. As the results, I still feel it's not good to feed love for myself. For example, I cannot sleep in if it's day off, I've not allow to eat a little more, I feel guilty to spend time with relax for long time if I'm tired. There are many things what I don't allow for myself like that.

How should I do for changing my behaviors? Tomorrow is Saturday and no need to wake up at regular hour. How can I try to sleep late than usual?