Precious Moments

I wrote a wording as the description of my Podcast channel: I respect small events called “slices of life” in daily life. Our joy, sadness, anger, anxiety and happiness, all of them are precious moments. I didn't understand the meaning of it at all, though I think I have practiced it in my daily life.

Precious moments...I suddenly understood when I watched a music video on YouTube. The song was titled "Flashed Junk Mind" by Milky Chance which is a rock band from Germany. I was watching it before I went to sleep. The MV is like a road movie and they are walking around, swimming, driving with and laughing a lot every moment. I felt very beautiful while watching those scenes and couldn't stop crying. I knew that their faces filled with happiness sparkling in sunshine is the precious moment which I've looked for a long time.

After this experience, I feel like to understand "Nikon(而今)"* which is the word from Zen clearly more. Now I have felt pleasure in every moment. It's all around.      

By the way, I have been attracted to this kind of road-movie-like MV since I was a little child. For example, Kylie by Mr. Mister, Running by No doubt, Lisztomania by phoenix, Wishing well by blink182, etc...Of course, those songs are great without video but the atmosphere in the video stimulates the emotions inside of me. I may have already known about the fact which I'm writing in this story since childhood.

*This word shows that life only exists at this moment. To live to the fullest is the best way to live. 

Son-Taku

I had a dream this morning. I was talking with Mother in the dream and I was trying hard to please her. I was very exhausted when I woke up.

Do you know the word, "Son-Taku" in Japanese? This word might be difficult to explain with other languages. It kind of looks like "speculate", "surmise" and "suppose" but none of these words are correct. Although Son-Taku has positive meaning originally, it is used with negative meaning in recent years. For example, to look into someone's face,flattering someone too much, to speculate about wishes/minds for a person who is in the upper position, and to obey someone blindly, Son-Taku imply those meanings.

  

My behavior in the dream was definitely Son-Taku. I tried to speculate what Mother needs and to obey her mind so hard. After waking out of the dream, I thought that's what I had done for her since I was a little child. 

When I was child, people said I was a funny girl. I surely liked to make people laugh at that time. However, I had felt it's my duty without notice. I had flattered someone too much and speculated about their wishes. I was afraid of someone's bad mood and tried to avoid it. I was exhausted and lost self-esteem by doing it. Now I know that's the time for throwing away such old behavior. I don't do Son-Taku anymore. The tiredness from the dream tells me it's better to change myself. 

Satisfaction of a ordinarily day

As I wrote in the last post, I sent some comments to the people who organized the seminar. (Probably, I could write my opinions without too much assertiveness.) After I sent it, I realized my state of mind was better than usual.

What's happened to me? I tried to think about the reason why I felt so good by sending it. I wonder if I said my opinion honestly, if I showed my skill to others or if I concentrated on what I should do. Every thought seems correct, but on the other hand, all of them seem incorrect. I certainly had waited for such an opportunity to use my skill, such as to give opinions on the explanation of the presentation and about figures in the PPT file. But I feel it's not everything.

I recalled my memory following the timeline of the day. How did I spend time on the day I sent my comments?......

I made Chirashi-Zushi and curry for my family. It took 2 and half hours and is slightly longer for making meals than usual. And I checked my son's homework. And then... I knew I had done a lot of things that I wanted to do and I had to do. "The balance" is the key for my satisfaction, I thought.  

My activities in my daily life are mainly for only my family. But I had used time for others, not for only my family, on that day by sending comments. I was sure that's exactly what I needed for a long time. I'd love to use my time and energy in a balanced way. It's not only the target for my caring. I need both, concentration and relaxation, physical activities and mental ones, inputs and outputs, and so on. Such the balances should be important for me. 

Growing with others

I participated in a seminar. The seminar is related to children's welfare.

After the seminar, all the participants received the PPT file which had been used in the lecture. The lecturer wants to hear some comments to the file and she wants to modify the file better while referencing the comments. I was checking the file,I thought of ideas for changing it. Honestly to say, I felt like changing the whole file with my skill. I felt that most of the words and figures in the file were not apt for the explanation which was done by the lecturer.

Then, I tried replaying tons of comments but I stopped doing that. The motive for sending many comments seems to come from my desire for self-exposure. In addition, I got the feeling that I had the same behavior repeatedly in the past. When people ask me opinions, I tend to give answers too much due to lower self-confidence. I believe in the part of my mind, people wouldn't acknowledge me if I replay only a few opinions. So I try to show an excess of enthusiasm in everytime, for everyone, if I know it's not effective way to connect with others. 

I thought well what I should do in this situation and decided to send one or two comments about only the primary points, not to send tons of them. I don't want to push my opinion to someone. I don't want people to think I'm a pushy person. I would like to have a cozy relationship with people who attended the seminar continuously in the future. Probably, I have to learn the way to grow together with others.