What I feel in the holiday season

　　　　　I don't like holiday season. All the family member stay home and I have pressure to make meals three times everyday. I don't have much of desire to eat, so I used to make meals with whatever food I have in the fridge when I stay home alone. But I think I have to make something with fresh meat and vegetables in this term because I believe that enough of nutrition is needed for my son's growth.

　　　　　I don't know how can I remove this pressure. I hope my son grow up quickly. However, I might feel unexciting if it would be happened actually.

Start Over

My daily life was changed widely since I stopped to write this blog. It should be opposite. I stopped this blog because the life was changed. 

Anyway, I was back and would like to write my stories again.

Although I couldn't write only something special before, it's small part of me. I don't know why but I chose topics which ones I have to write or not. I probably afraid of writing freely and fearlessly. Now I feel to write anything around myself, such as, movies/dramas I watch, who I meet with, foods I eat, some hobbies and more.  

  

Embrace my Imperfectness

I wrote about what I didn't do in the last post. I had prohibited myself from doing impure/corrupt/dishonest/etc. behaviors. The reason why I had thought like that comes from misanthropy. When I was a little child, I had felt that Mother was moody and short temper. She had gotten crazy angry like a eruption if I forget her order. She beat me again and again until her anger was subsided. By this experience, I decided to be the person who is like a Buddha. The person who has never had negative feelings and desire, that was my ideal human being.   

Before I received the message from M, I just let my feelings go about Mother. I had wanted to have Mother's apologize for long time but I released it. Then I accept M's message without any hesitation. I would love myself more if it's imperfect.   

そもそもなぜ、"不純な動機"を嫌悪するようになったのか？不純な動機だけでなく、そこから拡大解釈したように性欲や食欲、怠け癖、時に不親切であること…そういった人間であれば当然のことを受け入れられなくなっていたのはなぜか。それはやはり私と母との関係に起因しているように思う。子どもの頃の私は、母のことを気分にとてもムラがある人と感じていた。彼女の言いつけ通りに私がやっていないことがあれば、火山が噴火したように怒りを爆発させ、彼女は怒りが収まるまで私を叩いた。そういった扱いを繰り返し受けて、「気持ちにムラがある大人にはなりたくない」「ネガティブな面がない、穏やかで”仏のような”人間でなければならない」と考えるようになった。あらゆる欲望や感情から距離を置いた人間、悟りをひらいたような人間を超えた人間(それはもはや人間ではない気もするけれど)を理想として生きていたように思う。

友人のＭがこのことを話す前、ちょうど私は母から受けた扱いに諦めがついたところだった。それでＭの言葉に反発することもなく「人間ってそういうものだよね」と受け入れることができた。そういう人間的なことを自分に許した結果、不完全な自分をもう一段深く愛せるようになったように感じている。

Impure behavior

One of my friend, M said to me in his text message: Impure motive make excellent results in every cases. It was the fresh view-point for me.

The persons who try to be musicians for being popular with girls/boys, The persons who aim to become doctor for money, etc...these are impure with my definition. I had despised somewhat such the persons, just because. What is more, I didn't accept various impure behavior as human being, not just impure motive, such as sexual desire, eating appetite, laziness, irresistible, dependence, unkind ...everything!! I'm confusing and I cannot recognize what is pure or impure anymore. There are many prohibited points and it makes me stifling. 

After I read his message, I wondered if I try to accept somehow impure behavior. When I think well about it, I sometimes want to be lazy/unkind and allow to have various desires naturally as human. It’s not spoil myself, just accept who I truly am.

Free from superiority complex

I have the behavior which I want to feel superiority complex to others. When I meet people at the first time, I talk a lot to keep my position higher than them. When I attend meetings, I say my opinions to appeal my presence. I had tried to throw this  behavior away for a year but it wasn't easy for me. 

The behavior comes from my loneliness. My parents were misanthrope and I probably took over the atmosphere. So I was difficult to participate the circle of friends since I was in the kindergarten. I was easy to isolate from their without any reason. They might be feel the atmosphere of mine. So I had tried to get attentions from them by showing my ability, such as saying opinions or telling something rare experiences I have. I had thought I have to keep superiority complex for avoiding loneliness. I was afraid of losing attention from others and of being alone.   

One day, I met the person at the meditation circle which I participate regularly. Her life was so unique and special, I thought. After I knew about her life history, I thought that I have nothing special compared with hers. It was impossible to feel superiority complex to her.

I finally realized what should I do for my future. If I always want to feel superiority complex to others, it's impossible. People live in various situation and have various ability. I'm no match for all the people with various criteria. In that case, the only the way is to pursue my uniqueness and to be more who I am. It's not necessary to compare with other's stuff and to have superiority complex to others. I'm just who I am.

The personalities which I love

Endeavour Morse in Endeavour, Kenny Battaglia in Crash, Jane Tennison in Prime suspect, Emma Banville in Fearless, Tom Price in Survivors, Dr. Ethan Choi in Chicago Med and Patrick Jane in The Mentalist.... All of them are characters in TV dramas I have watched during this year. I was fascinated these roles and hoped to be like them.

I tried to find something common personality on them for figured my type out but could not find it. Endeavor Morse is honest person but Kenny Battaglia is completely opposite. Four of them (Morse, Kenny, Jane Tennison, Patrick Jane) work at kind of investigative organization but Tom Price is murderer. Jane Tennison and Emma Banville might be slightly similar on their personality.

That means I wonder if I accept various personalities of human being without any prejudice. I hope so. Honesty, sense of justice, kindness, sloppy, faithfulness, headstrongness, and so on...All the personalities are within me and I cannot judge which one is good or bad. 

Anyway, I love TV dramas so much!!

Stop the self-Judgement

I had many things to do for the past month. I made the layout articles for the newsletter, I sold books with my family at the second hand books fair, I managed the workshop related Focusing which is kind of a psycho therapy and I rehearsed the workshop which will be held 11th December. I felt the sense of fulfillment, but on the other hand I was tired physically.

I slept well and spent time with relax for recovering from the tiredness. But I was still tired, instead it's getting worse day by day. I didn't know the reason why I couldn't take back my condition. I had searched it for a few days as usually I do.

I participated the meditation via online today. The theme of this week was "Embracing Life". We shared our experiences following this theme. I don't remember clearly but some people told experiences about their failure. I knew at the moment that I have stuck to self-judgement. I have judged what I had done during the busy days and I gave the comment "You were not enough. You should be more perfect" to my work. 

I'm a human being and it's impossible to be perfect. (In the very begging, what's "the perfect"?) It's should be enough just to be who I am.