Son-Taku

I had a dream this morning. I was talking with Mother in the dream and I was trying hard to please her. I was very exhausted when I woke up.

Do you know the word, "Son-Taku" in Japanese? This word might be difficult to explain with other languages. It kind of looks like "speculate", "surmise" and "suppose" but none of these words are correct. Although Son-Taku has positive meaning originally, it is used with negative meaning in recent years. For example, to look into someone's face,flattering someone too much, to speculate about wishes/minds for a person who is in the upper position, and to obey someone blindly, Son-Taku imply those meanings.

  

My behavior in the dream was definitely Son-Taku. I tried to speculate what Mother needs and to obey her mind so hard. After waking out of the dream, I thought that's what I had done for her since I was a little child. 

When I was child, people said I was a funny girl. I surely liked to make people laugh at that time. However, I had felt it's my duty without notice. I had flattered someone too much and speculated about their wishes. I was afraid of someone's bad mood and tried to avoid it. I was exhausted and lost self-esteem by doing it. Now I know that's the time for throwing away such old behavior. I don't do Son-Taku anymore. The tiredness from the dream tells me it's better to change myself.