Stop the self-Judgement

I had many things to do for the past month. I made the layout articles for the newsletter, I sold books with my family at the second hand books fair, I managed the workshop related Focusing which is kind of a psycho therapy and I rehearsed the workshop which will be held 11th December. I felt the sense of fulfillment, but on the other hand I was tired physically.

I slept well and spent time with relax for recovering from the tiredness. But I was still tired, instead it's getting worse day by day. I didn't know the reason why I couldn't take back my condition. I had searched it for a few days as usually I do.

I participated the meditation via online today. The theme of this week was "Embracing Life". We shared our experiences following this theme. I don't remember clearly but some people told experiences about their failure. I knew at the moment that I have stuck to self-judgement. I have judged what I had done during the busy days and I gave the comment "You were not enough. You should be more perfect" to my work. 

I'm a human being and it's impossible to be perfect. (In the very begging, what's "the perfect"?) It's should be enough just to be who I am.

Needs which I can buy with $30

I straightened up browsing history of my Amazon account.  

I recalled what I was thinking to buy while checking those stuff. Those were towels made in Japan, small scythe for pulling out weeds in my garden, shampoos and conditioners, detergents, ink cartridge, liquid for playing with soap bubble, sunscreen and many of books mainly written by Ursula K. Le Guin.

I sometime think, want to be rich like the people who goes to space with their financial power. But probably I don't need such the extraordinary stuff according to the browsing history. All the stuff I want to buy is less than $30 and those are enough for filling my needs.  

the Beauty of Immature

It's middle of Autumn here in Japan. The extremely heat during Summer was gone finally. In line with the changing, my physical and mental condition is getting better day by day.

In the calm day of Autumn, I knew I'm not the same who I was in the past. I can enjoy every incidents I have. For example, if someone has opposite opinion with mine, I think it's interesting. If someone gets too emotional, I stay with keeping calm. I could not do such the stable behavior one year ago. I might be the person who have a dignified bearing. 

When I knew this new condition, I've missed myself of the past. I miss those negative side of mine, such as, weakness, restless, confusion, easy to shock everything...On one hand these are very annoying feelings. One the other hand, there is the beauty of immature in those feelings. I slightly want to take back it but probably, it's never happened again. 

Intention for benefit of the team

The story is continued from the topic I posted yesterday.

I didn't try to control the team while the meeting at the last night. I could keep calm in the middle of the discussion. As the result, we could found some good conclusions and got the new motivation to move on to the next step. 

Before starting the meeting, I intended that we would reach agreements for some subjects at the end. So, rather than saying my opinion, I payed attention to adjust various opinions which were given from others. In other words, I threw my ego away temporarily. Then, I don't know why, but the discussion was proceeded forward smoothly. I believe my intention was worked somewhat, though it might be just a coincidence.

Just showing options

I participated the meeting. The meeting was overrun of 15 minutes and nothing was decided. I worried if we can make it in our schedule. I have felt like controlling others in this kind of situation by giving tons of directions from me.

But I've tried not to do that. I know the team would not work well, if I control someone with my directions. I had failed many times in this way. The important point for going the project smoothly is motivation from each people, is not strong directions from others. I know sometime directions form someone tired people who are given them. 

The only thing I can do in this situation is just showing the options as my opinion. When I say my opinion at the meeting, I need to make sure it for myself, "just showing options". Otherwise, I start to control the team with my words. It's my egoism and nobody wouldn't be happy by them. I will have the meeting again at this night. Well, let's see how it goes on. 

Self-Love is the origin of the love for others

When I was reading a book on childcare, I found the line as following: The experiences in love at the young age is not the only the love for someone. It's the love for oneself. 

I understood what it's saying. At first, people know how to fulfill their desire by loving someone. After then, people start to know the importance of the unconditional love, I think.

I recalled how I was at the young age. I thought that to love someone is untouchable and trashy conduct by my family background. That means I miss the opportunities to love myself. As the results, I still feel it's not good to feed love for myself. For example, I cannot sleep in if it's day off, I've not allow to eat a little more, I feel guilty to spend time with relax for long time if I'm tired. There are many things what I don't allow for myself like that.

How should I do for changing my behaviors? Tomorrow is Saturday and no need to wake up at regular hour. How can I try to sleep late than usual?

Sensor of Love

I was watching a YouTube channel. The theme of the channel is mainly interviews with students who failed the university entrance examination or who have tons of failure in their life. In the video I watched, a man who dropped out from the university only three days after the admission, then he has tried to change his jobs among 200 companies with untrue curriculum vitae(CV). He said in the video that he was bullied at junior high and the experience has had various bad effects on his life, such as telling lies on his CV. The interesting point is he doesn't have any guilt for what he did. He said "I have been treated under foot in this social system. What's the matter telling lies on my CV. It's a tiny matter compared to how I was treated by people."

Following his story, his parents weren't helpful when he was bullied at school. So I guess he couldn't find any love in the early days of his life. It's a very sad/difficult situation for human beings. We can't receive love if we don't know the feelings, sense and atmosphere of love, not even imagine it. It's hard to explain warmth to the person who is in a storm. How can we receive good signals(=love) without antenna or sensor? Such status makes it difficult to relate with others and to have a life calmly. I know it's wrong on legally/moral but it can't be helped partly if he tells lies on his CV. I truly respect that he is working as a Youtuber recently. 

I also didn't know unconditional love from my parents but I received it from others like teachers, friends and other relatives. It takes a long time to know the feelings of abundant love. Now I truly appreciate the people who gave me it without any conditions. By those experiences which were given by generous people, I could have my own sensor of love.