Free from superiority complex

I have the behavior which I want to feel superiority complex to others. When I meet people at the first time, I talk a lot to keep my position higher than them. When I attend meetings, I say my opinions to appeal my presence. I had tried to throw this  behavior away for a year but it wasn't easy for me. 

The behavior comes from my loneliness. My parents were misanthrope and I probably took over the atmosphere. So I was difficult to participate the circle of friends since I was in the kindergarten. I was easy to isolate from their without any reason. They might be feel the atmosphere of mine. So I had tried to get attentions from them by showing my ability, such as saying opinions or telling something rare experiences I have. I had thought I have to keep superiority complex for avoiding loneliness. I was afraid of losing attention from others and of being alone.   

One day, I met the person at the meditation circle which I participate regularly. Her life was so unique and special, I thought. After I knew about her life history, I thought that I have nothing special compared with hers. It was impossible to feel superiority complex to her.

I finally realized what should I do for my future. If I always want to feel superiority complex to others, it's impossible. People live in various situation and have various ability. I'm no match for all the people with various criteria. In that case, the only the way is to pursue my uniqueness and to be more who I am. It's not necessary to compare with other's stuff and to have superiority complex to others. I'm just who I am.

The personalities which I love

Endeavour Morse in Endeavour, Kenny Battaglia in Crash, Jane Tennison in Prime suspect, Emma Banville in Fearless, Tom Price in Survivors, Dr. Ethan Choi in Chicago Med and Patrick Jane in The Mentalist.... All of them are characters in TV dramas I have watched during this year. I was fascinated these roles and hoped to be like them.

I tried to find something common personality on them for figured my type out but could not find it. Endeavor Morse is honest person but Kenny Battaglia is completely opposite. Four of them (Morse, Kenny, Jane Tennison, Patrick Jane) work at kind of investigative organization but Tom Price is murderer. Jane Tennison and Emma Banville might be slightly similar on their personality.

That means I wonder if I accept various personalities of human being without any prejudice. I hope so. Honesty, sense of justice, kindness, sloppy, faithfulness, headstrongness, and so on...All the personalities are within me and I cannot judge which one is good or bad. 

Anyway, I love TV dramas so much!!

Stop the self-Judgement

I had many things to do for the past month. I made the layout articles for the newsletter, I sold books with my family at the second hand books fair, I managed the workshop related Focusing which is kind of a psycho therapy and I rehearsed the workshop which will be held 11th December. I felt the sense of fulfillment, but on the other hand I was tired physically.

I slept well and spent time with relax for recovering from the tiredness. But I was still tired, instead it's getting worse day by day. I didn't know the reason why I couldn't take back my condition. I had searched it for a few days as usually I do.

I participated the meditation via online today. The theme of this week was "Embracing Life". We shared our experiences following this theme. I don't remember clearly but some people told experiences about their failure. I knew at the moment that I have stuck to self-judgement. I have judged what I had done during the busy days and I gave the comment "You were not enough. You should be more perfect" to my work. 

I'm a human being and it's impossible to be perfect. (In the very begging, what's "the perfect"?) It's should be enough just to be who I am.

Needs which I can buy with $30

I straightened up browsing history of my Amazon account.  

I recalled what I was thinking to buy while checking those stuff. Those were towels made in Japan, small scythe for pulling out weeds in my garden, shampoos and conditioners, detergents, ink cartridge, liquid for playing with soap bubble, sunscreen and many of books mainly written by Ursula K. Le Guin.

I sometime think, want to be rich like the people who goes to space with their financial power. But probably I don't need such the extraordinary stuff according to the browsing history. All the stuff I want to buy is less than $30 and those are enough for filling my needs.  

the Beauty of Immature

It's middle of Autumn here in Japan. The extremely heat during Summer was gone finally. In line with the changing, my physical and mental condition is getting better day by day.

In the calm day of Autumn, I knew I'm not the same who I was in the past. I can enjoy every incidents I have. For example, if someone has opposite opinion with mine, I think it's interesting. If someone gets too emotional, I stay with keeping calm. I could not do such the stable behavior one year ago. I might be the person who have a dignified bearing. 

When I knew this new condition, I've missed myself of the past. I miss those negative side of mine, such as, weakness, restless, confusion, easy to shock everything...On one hand these are very annoying feelings. One the other hand, there is the beauty of immature in those feelings. I slightly want to take back it but probably, it's never happened again. 

Intention for benefit of the team

The story is continued from the topic I posted yesterday.

I didn't try to control the team while the meeting at the last night. I could keep calm in the middle of the discussion. As the result, we could found some good conclusions and got the new motivation to move on to the next step. 

Before starting the meeting, I intended that we would reach agreements for some subjects at the end. So, rather than saying my opinion, I payed attention to adjust various opinions which were given from others. In other words, I threw my ego away temporarily. Then, I don't know why, but the discussion was proceeded forward smoothly. I believe my intention was worked somewhat, though it might be just a coincidence.

Just showing options

I participated the meeting. The meeting was overrun of 15 minutes and nothing was decided. I worried if we can make it in our schedule. I have felt like controlling others in this kind of situation by giving tons of directions from me.

But I've tried not to do that. I know the team would not work well, if I control someone with my directions. I had failed many times in this way. The important point for going the project smoothly is motivation from each people, is not strong directions from others. I know sometime directions form someone tired people who are given them. 

The only thing I can do in this situation is just showing the options as my opinion. When I say my opinion at the meeting, I need to make sure it for myself, "just showing options". Otherwise, I start to control the team with my words. It's my egoism and nobody wouldn't be happy by them. I will have the meeting again at this night. Well, let's see how it goes on.