What I feel in the holiday season

　　　　　I don't like holiday season. All the family member stay home and I have pressure to make meals three times everyday. I don't have much of desire to eat, so I used to make meals with whatever food I have in the fridge when I stay home alone. But I think I have to make something with fresh meat and vegetables in this term because I believe that enough of nutrition is needed for my son's growth.

　　　　　I don't know how can I remove this pressure. I hope my son grow up quickly. However, I might feel unexciting if it would be happened actually.

Start Over

My daily life was changed widely since I stopped to write this blog. It should be opposite. I stopped this blog because the life was changed. 

Anyway, I was back and would like to write my stories again.

Although I couldn't write only something special before, it's small part of me. I don't know why but I chose topics which ones I have to write or not. I probably afraid of writing freely and fearlessly. Now I feel to write anything around myself, such as, movies/dramas I watch, who I meet with, foods I eat, some hobbies and more.  

  

Embrace my Imperfectness

I wrote about what I didn't do in the last post. I had prohibited myself from doing impure/corrupt/dishonest/etc. behaviors. The reason why I had thought like that comes from misanthropy. When I was a little child, I had felt that Mother was moody and short temper. She had gotten crazy angry like a eruption if I forget her order. She beat me again and again until her anger was subsided. By this experience, I decided to be the person who is like a Buddha. The person who has never had negative feelings and desire, that was my ideal human being.   

Before I received the message from M, I just let my feelings go about Mother. I had wanted to have Mother's apologize for long time but I released it. Then I accept M's message without any hesitation. I would love myself more if it's imperfect.   

そもそもなぜ、"不純な動機"を嫌悪するようになったのか？不純な動機だけでなく、そこから拡大解釈したように性欲や食欲、怠け癖、時に不親切であること…そういった人間であれば当然のことを受け入れられなくなっていたのはなぜか。それはやはり私と母との関係に起因しているように思う。子どもの頃の私は、母のことを気分にとてもムラがある人と感じていた。彼女の言いつけ通りに私がやっていないことがあれば、火山が噴火したように怒りを爆発させ、彼女は怒りが収まるまで私を叩いた。そういった扱いを繰り返し受けて、「気持ちにムラがある大人にはなりたくない」「ネガティブな面がない、穏やかで”仏のような”人間でなければならない」と考えるようになった。あらゆる欲望や感情から距離を置いた人間、悟りをひらいたような人間を超えた人間(それはもはや人間ではない気もするけれど)を理想として生きていたように思う。

友人のＭがこのことを話す前、ちょうど私は母から受けた扱いに諦めがついたところだった。それでＭの言葉に反発することもなく「人間ってそういうものだよね」と受け入れることができた。そういう人間的なことを自分に許した結果、不完全な自分をもう一段深く愛せるようになったように感じている。

Impure behavior

One of my friend, M said to me in his text message: Impure motive make excellent results in every cases. It was the fresh view-point for me.

The persons who try to be musicians for being popular with girls/boys, The persons who aim to become doctor for money, etc...these are impure with my definition. I had despised somewhat such the persons, just because. What is more, I didn't accept various impure behavior as human being, not just impure motive, such as sexual desire, eating appetite, laziness, irresistible, dependence, unkind ...everything!! I'm confusing and I cannot recognize what is pure or impure anymore. There are many prohibited points and it makes me stifling. 

After I read his message, I wondered if I try to accept somehow impure behavior. When I think well about it, I sometimes want to be lazy/unkind and allow to have various desires naturally as human. It’s not spoil myself, just accept who I truly am.

Free from superiority complex

I have the behavior which I want to feel superiority complex to others. When I meet people at the first time, I talk a lot to keep my position higher than them. When I attend meetings, I say my opinions to appeal my presence. I had tried to throw this  behavior away for a year but it wasn't easy for me. 

The behavior comes from my loneliness. My parents were misanthrope and I probably took over the atmosphere. So I was difficult to participate the circle of friends since I was in the kindergarten. I was easy to isolate from their without any reason. They might be feel the atmosphere of mine. So I had tried to get attentions from them by showing my ability, such as saying opinions or telling something rare experiences I have. I had thought I have to keep superiority complex for avoiding loneliness. I was afraid of losing attention from others and of being alone.   

One day, I met the person at the meditation circle which I participate regularly. Her life was so unique and special, I thought. After I knew about her life history, I thought that I have nothing special compared with hers. It was impossible to feel superiority complex to her.

I finally realized what should I do for my future. If I always want to feel superiority complex to others, it's impossible. People live in various situation and have various ability. I'm no match for all the people with various criteria. In that case, the only the way is to pursue my uniqueness and to be more who I am. It's not necessary to compare with other's stuff and to have superiority complex to others. I'm just who I am.

The personalities which I love

Endeavour Morse in Endeavour, Kenny Battaglia in Crash, Jane Tennison in Prime suspect, Emma Banville in Fearless, Tom Price in Survivors, Dr. Ethan Choi in Chicago Med and Patrick Jane in The Mentalist.... All of them are characters in TV dramas I have watched during this year. I was fascinated these roles and hoped to be like them.

I tried to find something common personality on them for figured my type out but could not find it. Endeavor Morse is honest person but Kenny Battaglia is completely opposite. Four of them (Morse, Kenny, Jane Tennison, Patrick Jane) work at kind of investigative organization but Tom Price is murderer. Jane Tennison and Emma Banville might be slightly similar on their personality.

That means I wonder if I accept various personalities of human being without any prejudice. I hope so. Honesty, sense of justice, kindness, sloppy, faithfulness, headstrongness, and so on...All the personalities are within me and I cannot judge which one is good or bad. 

Anyway, I love TV dramas so much!!

Stop the self-Judgement

I had many things to do for the past month. I made the layout articles for the newsletter, I sold books with my family at the second hand books fair, I managed the workshop related Focusing which is kind of a psycho therapy and I rehearsed the workshop which will be held 11th December. I felt the sense of fulfillment, but on the other hand I was tired physically.

I slept well and spent time with relax for recovering from the tiredness. But I was still tired, instead it's getting worse day by day. I didn't know the reason why I couldn't take back my condition. I had searched it for a few days as usually I do.

I participated the meditation via online today. The theme of this week was "Embracing Life". We shared our experiences following this theme. I don't remember clearly but some people told experiences about their failure. I knew at the moment that I have stuck to self-judgement. I have judged what I had done during the busy days and I gave the comment "You were not enough. You should be more perfect" to my work. 

I'm a human being and it's impossible to be perfect. (In the very begging, what's "the perfect"?) It's should be enough just to be who I am.

Needs which I can buy with $30

I straightened up browsing history of my Amazon account.  

I recalled what I was thinking to buy while checking those stuff. Those were towels made in Japan, small scythe for pulling out weeds in my garden, shampoos and conditioners, detergents, ink cartridge, liquid for playing with soap bubble, sunscreen and many of books mainly written by Ursula K. Le Guin.

I sometime think, want to be rich like the people who goes to space with their financial power. But probably I don't need such the extraordinary stuff according to the browsing history. All the stuff I want to buy is less than $30 and those are enough for filling my needs.  

the Beauty of Immature

It's middle of Autumn here in Japan. The extremely heat during Summer was gone finally. In line with the changing, my physical and mental condition is getting better day by day.

In the calm day of Autumn, I knew I'm not the same who I was in the past. I can enjoy every incidents I have. For example, if someone has opposite opinion with mine, I think it's interesting. If someone gets too emotional, I stay with keeping calm. I could not do such the stable behavior one year ago. I might be the person who have a dignified bearing. 

When I knew this new condition, I've missed myself of the past. I miss those negative side of mine, such as, weakness, restless, confusion, easy to shock everything...On one hand these are very annoying feelings. One the other hand, there is the beauty of immature in those feelings. I slightly want to take back it but probably, it's never happened again. 

Intention for benefit of the team

The story is continued from the topic I posted yesterday.

I didn't try to control the team while the meeting at the last night. I could keep calm in the middle of the discussion. As the result, we could found some good conclusions and got the new motivation to move on to the next step. 

Before starting the meeting, I intended that we would reach agreements for some subjects at the end. So, rather than saying my opinion, I payed attention to adjust various opinions which were given from others. In other words, I threw my ego away temporarily. Then, I don't know why, but the discussion was proceeded forward smoothly. I believe my intention was worked somewhat, though it might be just a coincidence.

Just showing options

I participated the meeting. The meeting was overrun of 15 minutes and nothing was decided. I worried if we can make it in our schedule. I have felt like controlling others in this kind of situation by giving tons of directions from me.

But I've tried not to do that. I know the team would not work well, if I control someone with my directions. I had failed many times in this way. The important point for going the project smoothly is motivation from each people, is not strong directions from others. I know sometime directions form someone tired people who are given them. 

The only thing I can do in this situation is just showing the options as my opinion. When I say my opinion at the meeting, I need to make sure it for myself, "just showing options". Otherwise, I start to control the team with my words. It's my egoism and nobody wouldn't be happy by them. I will have the meeting again at this night. Well, let's see how it goes on. 

Self-Love is the origin of the love for others

When I was reading a book on childcare, I found the line as following: The experiences in love at the young age is not the only the love for someone. It's the love for oneself. 

I understood what it's saying. At first, people know how to fulfill their desire by loving someone. After then, people start to know the importance of the unconditional love, I think.

I recalled how I was at the young age. I thought that to love someone is untouchable and trashy conduct by my family background. That means I miss the opportunities to love myself. As the results, I still feel it's not good to feed love for myself. For example, I cannot sleep in if it's day off, I've not allow to eat a little more, I feel guilty to spend time with relax for long time if I'm tired. There are many things what I don't allow for myself like that.

How should I do for changing my behaviors? Tomorrow is Saturday and no need to wake up at regular hour. How can I try to sleep late than usual?

Sensor of Love

I was watching a YouTube channel. The theme of the channel is mainly interviews with students who failed the university entrance examination or who have tons of failure in their life. In the video I watched, a man who dropped out from the university only three days after the admission, then he has tried to change his jobs among 200 companies with untrue curriculum vitae(CV). He said in the video that he was bullied at junior high and the experience has had various bad effects on his life, such as telling lies on his CV. The interesting point is he doesn't have any guilt for what he did. He said "I have been treated under foot in this social system. What's the matter telling lies on my CV. It's a tiny matter compared to how I was treated by people."

Following his story, his parents weren't helpful when he was bullied at school. So I guess he couldn't find any love in the early days of his life. It's a very sad/difficult situation for human beings. We can't receive love if we don't know the feelings, sense and atmosphere of love, not even imagine it. It's hard to explain warmth to the person who is in a storm. How can we receive good signals(=love) without antenna or sensor? Such status makes it difficult to relate with others and to have a life calmly. I know it's wrong on legally/moral but it can't be helped partly if he tells lies on his CV. I truly respect that he is working as a Youtuber recently. 

I also didn't know unconditional love from my parents but I received it from others like teachers, friends and other relatives. It takes a long time to know the feelings of abundant love. Now I truly appreciate the people who gave me it without any conditions. By those experiences which were given by generous people, I could have my own sensor of love. 

Before going back to Society

I recently started to volunteer, which is for organizing an annual forum related to children's welfare. In addition I also started to work as a tutor for children who don't go to school for some reasons. Both of them are for children and I'm very-very happy to do them.  On the other hand, I'm afraid about how I can manage my time and energy. Honestly to say, I'm not sure I can do all of them. I'm particularly worried about whether I can work at my own pace. 

I don't have experience working in a comfortable situation. I was tired all the time when I was working many years ago. The amount of work was too much for me and I was crushed by those works. Now I'm worrying that I would have the same situation like I had in the past. 

In those cases, I've told myself. "I will work with new types of people who I haven't met before. And I'm not the same as I was."

Like acting toward Cats

I don't care if cats ignore me when I speak to them, but I slightly mind if someone ignores me when I speak to them. What's the difference I feel in these two situations? 

There are several semi-street cats around my house. They are so lovely and I speak to them when I meet them. Most of the time they ignore me or run away from me. I don't care about their attitude. It's a natural reaction as cats. On the other hand, I would mind if people do the same behavior to me.

Probably, I understand the differences between cats and I. However, I haven't understood the differences among others. It's proper that we have differences in every aspect but I should expect others to replay some specific reactions too much. How about I act towards others the same as for cats? So, I don't need to care about the reactions from others.

Precious Moments

I wrote a wording as the description of my Podcast channel: I respect small events called “slices of life” in daily life. Our joy, sadness, anger, anxiety and happiness, all of them are precious moments. I didn't understand the meaning of it at all, though I think I have practiced it in my daily life.

Precious moments...I suddenly understood when I watched a music video on YouTube. The song was titled "Flashed Junk Mind" by Milky Chance which is a rock band from Germany. I was watching it before I went to sleep. The MV is like a road movie and they are walking around, swimming, driving with and laughing a lot every moment. I felt very beautiful while watching those scenes and couldn't stop crying. I knew that their faces filled with happiness sparkling in sunshine is the precious moment which I've looked for a long time.

After this experience, I feel like to understand "Nikon(而今)"* which is the word from Zen clearly more. Now I have felt pleasure in every moment. It's all around.      

By the way, I have been attracted to this kind of road-movie-like MV since I was a little child. For example, Kylie by Mr. Mister, Running by No doubt, Lisztomania by phoenix, Wishing well by blink182, etc...Of course, those songs are great without video but the atmosphere in the video stimulates the emotions inside of me. I may have already known about the fact which I'm writing in this story since childhood.

*This word shows that life only exists at this moment. To live to the fullest is the best way to live. 

Son-Taku

I had a dream this morning. I was talking with Mother in the dream and I was trying hard to please her. I was very exhausted when I woke up.

Do you know the word, "Son-Taku" in Japanese? This word might be difficult to explain with other languages. It kind of looks like "speculate", "surmise" and "suppose" but none of these words are correct. Although Son-Taku has positive meaning originally, it is used with negative meaning in recent years. For example, to look into someone's face,flattering someone too much, to speculate about wishes/minds for a person who is in the upper position, and to obey someone blindly, Son-Taku imply those meanings.

  

My behavior in the dream was definitely Son-Taku. I tried to speculate what Mother needs and to obey her mind so hard. After waking out of the dream, I thought that's what I had done for her since I was a little child. 

When I was child, people said I was a funny girl. I surely liked to make people laugh at that time. However, I had felt it's my duty without notice. I had flattered someone too much and speculated about their wishes. I was afraid of someone's bad mood and tried to avoid it. I was exhausted and lost self-esteem by doing it. Now I know that's the time for throwing away such old behavior. I don't do Son-Taku anymore. The tiredness from the dream tells me it's better to change myself. 

Satisfaction of a ordinarily day

As I wrote in the last post, I sent some comments to the people who organized the seminar. (Probably, I could write my opinions without too much assertiveness.) After I sent it, I realized my state of mind was better than usual.

What's happened to me? I tried to think about the reason why I felt so good by sending it. I wonder if I said my opinion honestly, if I showed my skill to others or if I concentrated on what I should do. Every thought seems correct, but on the other hand, all of them seem incorrect. I certainly had waited for such an opportunity to use my skill, such as to give opinions on the explanation of the presentation and about figures in the PPT file. But I feel it's not everything.

I recalled my memory following the timeline of the day. How did I spend time on the day I sent my comments?......

I made Chirashi-Zushi and curry for my family. It took 2 and half hours and is slightly longer for making meals than usual. And I checked my son's homework. And then... I knew I had done a lot of things that I wanted to do and I had to do. "The balance" is the key for my satisfaction, I thought.  

My activities in my daily life are mainly for only my family. But I had used time for others, not for only my family, on that day by sending comments. I was sure that's exactly what I needed for a long time. I'd love to use my time and energy in a balanced way. It's not only the target for my caring. I need both, concentration and relaxation, physical activities and mental ones, inputs and outputs, and so on. Such the balances should be important for me. 

Growing with others

I participated in a seminar. The seminar is related to children's welfare.

After the seminar, all the participants received the PPT file which had been used in the lecture. The lecturer wants to hear some comments to the file and she wants to modify the file better while referencing the comments. I was checking the file,I thought of ideas for changing it. Honestly to say, I felt like changing the whole file with my skill. I felt that most of the words and figures in the file were not apt for the explanation which was done by the lecturer.

Then, I tried replaying tons of comments but I stopped doing that. The motive for sending many comments seems to come from my desire for self-exposure. In addition, I got the feeling that I had the same behavior repeatedly in the past. When people ask me opinions, I tend to give answers too much due to lower self-confidence. I believe in the part of my mind, people wouldn't acknowledge me if I replay only a few opinions. So I try to show an excess of enthusiasm in everytime, for everyone, if I know it's not effective way to connect with others. 

I thought well what I should do in this situation and decided to send one or two comments about only the primary points, not to send tons of them. I don't want to push my opinion to someone. I don't want people to think I'm a pushy person. I would like to have a cozy relationship with people who attended the seminar continuously in the future. Probably, I have to learn the way to grow together with others.

The first week of summer vacation

I got over the first week of summer vacation.

During this week, I took my son to his alumni meeting at the kindergarten where he graduated, treated my husband's colleagues at home with lovely conversation and saw son's teacher at the elementary school as a regular meeting. Above all, I have made all the meals by myself with fresh stuff.

Here I want to say "well done!" for myself.